my horrible Anorexia Nervosa episode in 2004-2005

This picture can also be found at my old account: [link]

How I looked in 2011 during a professional photoshoot: [link]


I've had an eating disorder (ED) from 1995-2010. That means that I've wasted literally 15 years of my adult life! (And I didn't even count the years before my ED that I've also struggled with my weigt/bodyimage/selfesteem, because if Itook that in consideration, I could say that I've suffered 20 years (!!!) from eating disorders).
I am aware that there are people that are jealous of me being that skinny. I used to be jealous too when I saw skinny girls/women. But after having experienced it myself I'm really not jealous of them anymore. In fact, nowadays I'm jealous of people, who are normale sizes or even overweighted, but still feeling secure and confident in their own skin.
Although I don't have anorexia or bulimia anymore, I still watch my foodintake an a daily basis. I'm slim nowadays and I can accept my size (8 in US size, 36 in the Netherlands), although I still like skinny. But it just isn't worth it anymore.
Because I really can't describe the pain and suffering I went through in that period of time (2004/early 2005) and I really can't recommend it to someone: always being depressed, tired, having severe headaches because of the hunger, dizzyness, feeling numb etc etc.

That being said, it means that this picture isn't meant for thinspiration, but as the horrible face of an severe and life-threatening mentall illness. It is a slow way of committing suicide and I'm so glad that I am healthy now!

By the way, I've been diagnosed with autism in 2011 and autism is known for being linked to eating disorders. A lot of autistic people have eating problems.

How I recovered: With the help of the book "Quitting Smoking" from Allan Carr [link] (whick is kind of ironic, for I wasn't and I am still not a smoker, but the book can be emplied to all addictions).






<sub>If words could be unwritten and songs could be unsung
If rivers could run backwards and wrongs could be undone
If the wisdom that comes only from experience of years
Could be learned in some way other than by crying one's own tears
Our stories would be different - the scars left would be few
If only we had known back then the things we did before not knew
But in this note of sadness the story does not end
For love and truth do triumph and the brokenness does mend


Anorexia nervosa and bulimia," how sad" the people say
That a perfect young woman would choose to waste away
There must be a good reason - perhaps she was too fat
For what other reason would she want to live like that?
Anyone with any sense can see she's gone too far
Why don't her parents stop her, this is getting quite bizarre!
She has become too skinny - while eating like a horse
With hours in the bathroom to pursue her secret course
Her family's so perfect - not a flaw that we can see
The American dream personified enacted in 3-D
It must be all the lessons, or the clothes we see her wear
If it were me, I would be grateful, but it seems she doesn't care
It really is unusual, the way she spends her time
She runs here at seven, then at three, again at nine
She used to be so happy, so alive, so much a part
That her loneliness and sorrow racing by me breaks my heart


What is it that happens that turns laughter into tears
Transforms a vibrant girl into a skeleton of fears?
There is no simple answer, no formula, no gene
Just conjecture, speculation, based on what's so far been seen
Of theories, there are many; but none adequately explain
How starvation and vomiting can serve to lessen pain
Some say it's her mother; others say it is the dad
While others say it's neither cause it's just a passing fad


My story is unique to me although I have discovered
That others can relate to it who have not yet recovered
The gate was narrow; the road was hard, that led me back to life
Perhaps by sharing it with you, I will lessen some of your strife
Recovery was not permanent until finally I could see
The behaviors as the symptoms of what was hurting me
For deep inside, I was afraid and covered how I'd feel
With calories and exercise and cooking gourmet meals


My family did the best they could, with everything they had
As I look back, I see no blame - no one of us was bad
We related in a way I could not help but misperceive
I saw love as conditional, something one has to achieve
I looked to other people to make me feel okay
When they asked me who I was, I knew not what to say
I wanted them to love me for the person I was inside
Yet when somebody tried to care, I'd run away and hide!

The dieting and exercise helped me to escape
They protected me and shielded me like a big black cape
Silently I was screaming out for a helping hand
Just someone who would listen and try to understand
That what started as a diet was no longer fun
But a prison and a fortress that held me like a gun
To ask for help meant admitting that I let you down
Smiling hurt too much to fake; I didn't know how to frown


I write as one recovered and one who's filled with hope
That the energy misdirected can be used to cope
With a world that is imperfect and a family that has tried
To do the best with what it had in order to survive
The darkness of despair and fear can be pierced with light
For once love fills the void within
There is an end in sight
The process of recovery brings healing to the home
It stills the hunger deep inside with a peace as yet unknown


Anorexics and bulimics!
I challenge you right now
To trust in someone close to you and let them teach you how
To face the fears down deep inside beneath the fear of fat
For that is just a smokescreen and covers where they're at!
To seek support from others to whom you choose to tell
The pain that you endured and the ways that you have tried
To reach our to your loved ones - afraid they might have died


The path is not an easy one; healing may take years
But victory is possible for everyone who hears
It rarely can be done alone, and thus one must supply
A source of truth and love upon whom you can rely
Some choose faith in God above, others a human course
In either case, healing comes when love's the driving force
Deep within we're all the same and search in our own way
For wisdom, love, and truth to give meaning to each day



If words could be unwritten and songs could be unsung
If rivers could run backwards and wrongs could be undone
If the wisdom that comes only from experience of years
Could be learned in some way other than by crying one's own tears
Our stories would be different - the scars left would be few
If only we had known back then the things we did before not knew
But in this note of sadness, the story does not end
For love and truth do triumph and the brokenness does mend

Source: Antenne (dutch ED magazine) in 1995</sub>